Lord Steven Strikes Again

I just can't get enough of this guy, honestly. Steven Seagal is known, aside from his loyal followers (the Stevenites, as I like to call them... as of half a minute ago), as an old fat talentless oaf; churning out straight-to-DVD releases like Correll Buckhalter tears knee ligaments (okay, that was a little harsh - by the way, congratulations on playing sixteen games this season, Correll).

So, what did "The Great One" manage this time? No, he didn't abuse his stuntman. No, he didn't come out with his own cheesy brand of energy drinks called "Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt". No, he didn't choose to co-star in a movie with an over-the-top hip-hop artist turned martial artist. However, he did see fit to take a trip to Canada to pitch a line of skin care and anti-aging products for the famous (not really) Doctor David M. Vesco, the so-called "father of the antioxidant theory” (stimulates the mind, doesn't it?).

At this point, you all-most don't even bother to ask yourself "WHY?!?". As Steven sees, Steven does. After all, if this guy can save South African Baby Elephants from being exported to every edge of the world (I asked myself why, then too), then he can do just about anything.


Although Steven and skin-care go together about just as well as gasoline, a lighter, and a severely depressed Aaron Carter - it's hard not to admire the man's ability to just keep going. When you've put the Energizer Bunny to shame, by god that's the day you've accomplished something, eh? And so goes another chapter in the twisted plot that is the life of Steven Seagal (anybody written a biography on this guy yet, or would it just be a waste considering more goodies are still to come?). This one will go right next to his venture into becoming a world-renowned blues musician (skills that rival Bruce Willis, no doubt) and his story concerning the "mystical dog that saved the dojo from burning down". Only time will tell what the Aikido Master comes up with next, it's hard to believe it's only going to get worse as time goes on - don't worry, he's 55 and packs more than a little meat; just enjoy his never-ending downward spiral while you still can.